


Bygones

by merlypops



Series: Beautiful Words - 5SOS Stories [19]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Blow Jobs, Bullying, Depression, Falling In Love, Family, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, High School, Inspired by Music, Lashton - Freeform, M/M, Panic Attacks, Sad, Self-Harm, Slice of Life, Snippets, Suicidal Thoughts, malum
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-29
Updated: 2014-09-29
Packaged: 2018-02-19 05:56:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2377307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlypops/pseuds/merlypops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Luke remembers Ashton whispering: “That’s okay, Lukey. It’s all gonna be okay” and dropping a kiss onto the top of Luke’s head, and Luke remembers how they just stayed like that until Calum and Michael came back over half an hour later with kiss-bruised lips that Luke and Ashton were kind enough not to comment on.'</p><p>
  <b>Luke wants everything to end but Ashton shows him that not everything is as bad as it seems.</b>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bygones

**Author's Note:**

> This is kinda angsty af. Like I'm sorry but there's vague attempts at cuteness and stuff so I guess that maybe (hopefully) makes up for it?  
> I was listening to "Kitchen Sink" and "Trees" by Twenty One Pilots when I wrote this so you can blame them I guess.  
> Enjoy (I hope)!

**bygones**

_a thing dating from an earlier time_

 

Luke Hemmings has always had a really good memory.

He remembers how his mum used to put him to bed at half past seven when he was _really_ little and still wore Pokemon pyjamas. He remembers how he had a cuddly penguin toy that he carried everywhere, even pre-school, and he remembers how his nan gave him this weird lamb figurine thing from a trip to Melbourne once that Luke kept on his bedside table for years and years until Ben came barging in once and managed to break it.

Luke remembers how Jack made _really_ good toast and vegemite, and how his dad used to take him snowboarding at this centre in Sydney with slopes covered with fake snow. Luke remembers how much he _loved_ doing that, even though he fell off a couple of times and hurt himself, and he remembers how he didn’t even mind _that_ too much because they had these cool plasters at home with penguins on so Luke was happy even then.

He remembers how money was pretty tight as he got a bit older. He remembers the short, cold showers. Luke remembers how his dad called them " _navy showers_ " or something similar so that the fact they couldn't afford their water bill seemed more like a _game_ than something to worry about.

Luke remembers how his mum gave him these little tubs of cheese and apple to eat at break time at school, and he remembers how he sometimes shared them with this boy in his class called Calum Hood, even though Calum’s best friend didn’t seem to like him much.

Luke remembers how, very occasionally, he’d stay round Calum’s house. Luke remembers how they watched old reruns of Doctor Who and How I Met Your Mother, and he remembers wishing silently that he could be best friends with Calum _too_ , but knowing deep down that Calum’s best friend Michael Clifford would never accept that.

Luke remembers how people sometimes laughed at him at school because his clothes were second-hand or looked particularly cheap or something. Luke remembers being embarrassed, and feeling _guilty_ that he was embarrassed, and he remembers just accepting it because the _last_ thing he wanted was for the bullying to get back to his family.

Luke remembers thinking that his dad would be disappointed and his brothers would get in trouble for trying to protect him and his mum might do something terrible like _cry_ and that was the worst thing in the _world_ for Luke.

He remembers how he hid in the library at lunchtime or spent time in the music room occasionally with one of the older students who seemed to understand. He remembers how the boy taught him a few things on the piano and offered to teach him to play a few chords on the guitar too, but Luke remembers how this girl from his class saw and told people, and Luke remembers how he had to stop going.

He remembers how he just rushed home after school everyday instead of stopping in the music room or walking to the sweetshop and playing in the park like the other kids at his school did.

Luke remembers how he spent all of his evenings listening to music by bands like Good Charlotte and Twenty One Pilots and Fall Out Boy. He remembers how he discovered Green Day and All Time Low and Incubus and Pierce The Veil. Luke remembers how, by the age of twelve or so, music had changed his life _forever_ , and he remembers how that was a good thing.

He remembers how he papered his walls with posters of the Madden brothers and Bring Me The Horizon and Nirvana and Blink-182 and Paramore and the guys from All Time Low and My Chemical Romance and Sleeping With Sirens.

Luke remembers how he fell in love with music the way petrol catches flame when it encounters a spark: slowly and then, suddenly, it was flaring up, blazing like a raging bonfire or a forest fire gone out of control.

Luke remembers how it filled him up from the inside out with warmth and he remembers how he never wanted the feeling to end.

He remembers when it inspired him to start learning to play the guitar by himself, and he remembers how _good_ that felt as the steel strings bit into the soft skin of his fingertips and the broken sound of poorly-played chord progression filled the room.

Luke remembers when it _stopped_ sounding broken and started sounding melodic instead, and Luke remembers how, occasionally, he would sing along to whatever tune he was playing, his voice rising and falling in all of the right places as he sang over the old, second-hand guitar that had been his birthday and Christmas presents combined.

Luke remembers how he tried his hand at Ron Pope’s ‘ _A Drop In The Ocean_ ’ and Luke remembers how it actually sounded _good_. He remembers playing the song three times over and finally making a decision, and Luke remembers how that was how his YouTube channel was born.

He remembers how it got a surprising amount of hits for a first video and he remembers being _ecstatic_ at that. He remembers how Calum caught his wrist at school one day in the corridor to stop him walking and he remembers the happy butterflies he felt when the older boy told him that he’d found his video and that it was ‘ _really, really awesome, dude_ ’, even though he was worried that Michael would get mad at him for stealing Caulum's attention.

Luke remembers how Calum's words made him smile for the rest of the day, despite his worries, and he remembers how that smile burnt even _brighter_ when, perhaps uncharacteristically, Michael decided to inform the youngest boy that maybe he _didn't_ hate him after all, and Luke remembers how Calum and Michael hung around with him a lot more after that, even if the bullying _didn’t_ stop.

*

Luke remembers the first time he cut.

He remembers how he was standing in the shower, shivering a little because he’d turned it off to save water for a moment, and Luke remembers dragging the razor blade across his thighs and watching the blood run down his legs in rivulets. Luke remembers how he let his forehead fall forwards onto the cold tiles as the icy water trickled down the pale white skin of his back from his wet, blond hair.

He remembers feeling lost.

*

Luke remembers how Calum and Michael were _so_ excited about the idea of Luke’s YouTube channel that they wanted to upload videos to it too. Luke remembers how he said yes.

Luke remembers how that was maybe one of the best things he ever did, with hindsight. He remembers how the number of their subscribers just _kept_ climbing as they did more and more covers, and Luke remembers the first time they were offered an actual _gig_ and the realisation that they needed a drummer sank in.

Luke remembers how this thought was playing on his mind as he walked home from school one day, and he remembers how some of the older kids from a neighbouring school decided to start taking the piss out of him for his glasses. Luke remembers how he was so _tired_ of it always feeling like ‘Pick On Fucking _Luke_ Day’ or whatever, and he remembers how he just stood there and took it until, peculiarly, something extraordinary happened.

He remembers how this boy he was almost _certain_ he’d never met before elbowed his way through the group of bullies, and Luke remembers swallowing audibly and taking a carefully measured step back because if they were actually going to _hit_ him or something, he was running.

Luke remembers how, fortunately, that wasn’t necessary in the end.

He remembers how the older boy with the curly honey-coloured hair and hazel eyes shot Luke a tiny smile, glowered at his friends and said: “ _I_ think they’re cool glasses.” Luke remembers how he stared at the slightly shorter boy in shock as his friends jeered at him and Luke remembers being worried that they were going to start bullying his rescuer too but how that didn’t happen in the end.

Luke remembers how the boy smiled cheerfully at the others and told them to piss off in a pleasant enough voice, and Luke remembers his shock when they actually _did_. He remembers experiencing a _new_ sort of butterfly-feeling fluttering in his stomach when the boy gave him a smile and displayed his dimples, and Luke remembers feeling a bit breathless as the stranger patted him on the shoulder, told him to take care of himself, and hurried off.

Luke remembers wishing he’d got the boy’s name but resigning himself to the fact that he would probably never see him again.

*

Luke remembers how that wasn’t quite the case.

He remembers how Calum and Michael came round that evening to eat takeaway Chinese food and discuss potential drummers, and Luke remembers how they decided to create an eHarmony account in the end for the band that Michael had _finally_ thought up the name for: _5 Seconds Of Summer_.

Luke remembers how he’d never really believed in fate before then but he remembers how he maybe started to change his mind after that night because they got a couple of messages but the very first one they received was from a drummer based in Sydney who went by the name of Ashton Irwin.

Luke remembers when they clicked on his profile and how he choked on his chocolate milk then because _it was the boy who had saved him earlier that day_.

Luke remembers how Calum and Michael were _just_ as impressed, and he remembers how they arranged to meet up with Ashton the next day at the ice cream parlour on the boardwalk, and Luke remembers how Ashton gave this delighted giggle when he saw Luke and slapped him a high-five before he greeted Calum and Michael. (Luke remembers smiling so hard his face hurt.)

Luke remembers how they accepted the gig they had been offered by this tiny pub his dad occasionally visited and Luke remembers how much it fucking _rocked_ because a few of the people watching had seen them online and come along on purpose, and Luke remembers how that was _insanely_ cool.

*

Luke remembers how he felt guilty that he still felt the need to cut.

He remembers knowing that he _should_ have been happier than ever because he was sixteen now and was almost out of school, and he had three _best_ friends now and they were playing gigs all the time – and Luke remembers how he still felt empty inside.

Luke remembers how Calum and Michael didn’t broach the subject because they’d known him for a long time and were aware that he would talk to them if he wanted to, but Luke remembers how Ashton apparently didn’t agree with taking this approach.

Luke remembers how the oldest band member found him sitting alone in the garage under the pretence of ‘ _checking his guitar was still in tune_ ’ after Calum and Michael had gone into the Hood’s house to ' _look for food_ '. (Luke remembers being fairly certain that they were going inside to make out but deciding not to say anything because they would probably find something to tease him about as well and, quite frankly, he could do without that.)

Luke remembers how Ashton hovered in the doorway uncertainly, watching the youngest boy with mild concern before he shrugged and dropped down onto the cold floor beside him.

Luke remembers how he jumped a little when Ashton’s arm wrapped hesitantly around his shoulders and Luke remembers the tiny sigh that escaped him as he leant back into Ashton’s warmth, clinging to the sleeves of his too-big jumper and trying to keep his breathing steady because he was _just_ in the sort of mood where too much kindness could make him cry or panic, or something equally embarrassing.

Luke remembers how Ashton slipped his other arm around Luke’s chest until he was hugging him pretty tightly – Luke remembers being surprised that Ashton could tell he needed it – and Luke remembers how Ashton rested his chin on Luke’s shoulder and said: “You wanna talk about it, Lukey?” in this soft voice, and Luke remembers how a lump rose in his throat as he shook his head frantically.

Luke remembers how Ashton made this small humming sound then and hugged him tighter, and Luke remembers him whispering: “That’s okay, Lukey. It’s _all_ gonna be okay” and dropping a kiss onto the top of Luke’s head, and Luke remembers how they just stayed like that until Calum and Michael came back over half an hour later with kiss-bruised lips that Luke and Ashton were kind enough not to comment on.

(Luke remembers how that was okay though. Michael and Calum didn't comment on Luke's tell-tale red eyes or Ashton's concern either.)

*

Luke remembers how everything got too crazy and scary when the band got big.

He remembers thinking back to his childhood – the quick, cold showers and the penguin toys and the Pokemon duvet and the vegemite on toast and the lamb figurine from his nan and the music lessons at lunchtime – and realising how _easy_ everything had been back then.

Luke remembers how _nothing_ felt easy anymore.

He remembers how Calum and Michael were in _love_ but their management wouldn’t let them show it, and he remembers how stressful touring was because it felt like he _never_ got a break. Luke remembers how he got so homesick some nights he couldn’t even _sleep_ because he was crying so hard, and he remembers how Ashton’s hugs were the only thing holding him together, even though _that_ made him feel guilty too because Luke _knew_ he enjoyed those hugs too much and he felt terrible for even _thinking_ of one of his best friends in that way.

Luke remembers how he cut deeper than before, panicked worse before shows, and he remembers how he couldn’t help but think that it would all be a whole lot easier if everything just… _stopped_.

Luke remembers how much it frightened him when he realised he wasn’t even thinking about the _band_ ending anymore, but his own life instead.

Luke remembers how he felt more lost than ever.

*

Luke remembers how the showers were different on tour, although _some_ things stayed the same, and he remembers how he just couldn’t do it anymore.

Luke remembers how the too-hard beat of the hot water pounding against his back from the hotel shower was too much, remembers how it was so _alien_ that his breath got caught somewhere between his chest and his throat, and refused to go any further.

Luke remembers how the only thing that stayed the same was the razor blade pinched tightly between his thumb and forefinger, the scarlet blood running down both wrists and his stomach too because just cutting his thighs wasn’t enough anymore.

Luke remembers how the burning water was thundering down on him as Ashton knocked on the door outside and called something to him, and Luke remembers how all that escaped him was a pitiful sob instead because the cuts lining his body were really starting to _sting_ now and Ashton was going to see and be ashamed of him or something, and Luke remembers thinking how fucking _useless_ he was for not even being able to do _this_ properly.

Luke remembers how Ashton opened the door – Luke remembers flinching because he hadn’t even fucking _locked_ it?! – and called something along the lines of: “ _Nothing I haven’t seen before!_ ”, and then Luke remembers how Ashton _froze_ as his mobile phone slipped through his limp fingers and hit the wet floor hard, the screen cracking. He remembers how Ashton didn't even _look_ at it.

Luke remembers how he stared at Ashton then, and how Ashton stared back at him, and Luke remembers how everything was still until the hot water started to sting even worse than the cuts and Luke felt his head begin to swim.

He remembers how Ashton seemed to come to his senses then as he shook himself a little, his expression a mixture of anxiety and pain and something that Luke would _later_ discover was love.

He remembers how Ashton clambered into the shower, clothes and all, and winced as the hot spray touched him. Luke remembers how, despite this, the older boy crouched down beside Luke, wrapped him in his arms and leant over him protectively as he kept the water from hitting Luke’s reddened, bleeding skin.

Luke remembers how Ashton held him for a good few minutes before, finally, the heat became too much and he shut the water off. Luke remembers how he started to shiver as blood beaded up in the cuts and began to trickle again, and Luke remembers how Ashton lifted him carefully out of the shower – Luke remembers how his teary blue eyes flew open in shock – and he remembers how Ashton sat down heavily on the floor and wrapped Luke up in a towel, regardless of dirtying it with blood, and Luke remembers how they didn’t move for a long time.

Luke remembers how he was still shaking when he leant forwards and pressed a small, chaste kiss to the damp, slowly-cooling skin of Ashton’s cheek as a silent ' _thank you_ ', right over where the dimples blossomed when he smiled. Luke remembers thinking that there were no dimples then because Luke had never seen Ashton look more scared or worried or conflicted in his _life_.

Luke remembers how Ashton turned his head to gaze at the youngest band member, his arms still wrapped securely around the trembling boy’s waist, and Luke remembers how he saw the ~~shocking surprising **insane**~~ _want_ form in the older boy’s shining hazel eyes in the moments before he closed the gap between them and kissed Luke on the mouth.

Luke remembers how Ashton’s lips were soft and warm, a sharp contrast to the icy burn of the cuts he had inflicted on himself, and Luke remembers how Ashton’s hands were safe and comforting as they spread across his back and held him closer, his touches gentle, almost like Luke was made of _glass_ or something.

Luke remembers how the emptiness inside of him was filled with butterflies, and what might even be _love_ , and Luke remembers how Ashton gave this tiny gasp then, like he was feeling exactly the same thing, as Luke deepened the kiss, right there on the bathroom floor of a hotel in the middle of _some_ city that Luke hadn’t caught the name of when they drove in.

Luke remembers the taste of Ashton’s mouth and his long fingers threading through Luke’s still-wet hair. He remembers the dimples that formed on the older boy's cheeks and the way he pulled back slightly to press kisses to the scarred insides of Luke’s wrists. (Luke remembers when he did the same thing to Luke’s thighs and stomach later that night, and the way he paid _special_ attention to something _else_ that resided there.)

Luke remembers how Ashton made him feel the same way music did: colourful, real, **_alive_**.

Luke remembers never wanting that feeling to end (and he remembers how it never did.)

Luke Hemmings remembers _everything_. 

**Author's Note:**

> Was this fic okay, guys? I'm not sure about it yet tbh...  
> Please leave comments and kudos to let me know what you thought!  
> I'm having a shit day and you guys make me smile.  
> Thank you for reading <3


End file.
